Sermons:
Domestic Violence

Submitted by:
Elissa Kohen, Student Rabbi HUC-JIR
email address: rabbi2be@one.net

God said 'Let there be light. And there was light.' The Torah tells us that with just these words, 'Let there be light' 'Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together and let the dry land appear' 'Let the earth bring forth living creatures.' God created all that we know as the world around us with words. It doesn't say "God said let there be light and then God went about making light. No, God said it and it happened. So we learn that God's words must be very powerful. But that shouldn't surprise us because we all know that our merely human words are powerful too. Words like 'fag' or 'kike' or 'stupid' or 'fat' when spoken in anger or cruelty can cut us to the quick. Whoever said "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me," was wrong. Just as surely as words can create, words can also destroy.

Destruction is what I want to talk about tonight. Not the kind of destruction that happened to Matthew Shepherd, though I'm sure we're all thinking about it and we will have a chance to talk about it later in the service. Tonight I want to talk about destruction in one of its most insidious forms, the destruction that happens when a member of an intimate relationship- a parent, child, husband, wife or lover abuses another member of that relationship. The kind of destruction that happens with knives, fists, bites, guns, and words. The kind of destruction we call domestic violence, spousal or child abuse. The kind of destruction which if it happened between strangers, everyone in our society would be horrified and rush to pass laws about it. The kind of destruction that statistics predict will somehow touch each and every one of us during our lifetimes - perhaps as a victim or perpetrator, more likely as a friend, colleague or family member of a victim or perpetrator.

Does our gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender Jewish congregation need to hear about domestic violence? Jews don't have problems with abuse - we are highly educated, middle to upper class, we value families. Gays and lesbians don't have issues of abuse. Women in our society are the victims, not the perpetrators of violence. Men don't abuse other men. We know that these myths are untrue and even irrelevant, yet we honestly want to believe them. Seeing those myths shattered is painful because it means admitting that we are no better than anyone else. In our own homes, in Jewish families and lesbian couples, college educated people in wealthy neighborhoods, gay men and transgendered people. In any one of those homes there could be an abuser. In any one of them there could be victims. Those myths, which are powerful even when we are aware that they are not true, are part of what allows the cycles of abuse and violence in our communities to continue.

Words can be powerful. Words can shatter the myths that surround domestic violence. The words of victims, of survivors.

The Myth: Jewish families are exceptionally close-knit, with loving fathers and doting husbands.

A victim's words can dispel this myth. Rebecca, a 32-year-old Orthodox woman and mother of five children says "My husband Allen, pushed me down a flight of stairs, threw me into a wall, and threatened me with severe bodily harm. He blackmailed me into not seeking a separation by reminding me that his family's history includes violence for disloyalty."

The Myth: Women are the victims of abuse, not the perpetrators.

Debbie tells us in her own words how untrue this myth is. About her 22 year relationship with Cindy she says "I could live with it because it wasn't abuse. I mean, abuse is when a man beats up on a woman, right? She would start her fits when the kids were sleeping; that way I would do anything to protect them from what she was doing. This went on for six years. She never really hit me. She pushed me into walls some but that's all. I remember all of the times that I would cry and beg her to stop. She would just make fun of me. We had just moved into another house and my mom and dad came over to help with the last of some things. Cindy wouldn't help because one of my parents mentioned the kids' dad's name. It ended in her screaming "bitch" at me from another room. My parents heard this and figured out that we were lovers. They disowned me! I now had to stay with her. I had no one."

The Myth: Abuse only happens between married people.

Beth's words belie the myth. She says "No. I was a junior in college when I met Steve in a Hillel theater group play. He was handsome, smart and athletic. I was shy and had never dated seriously, so I was excited about Steve. We started to spend a lot of time together. After a few weeks, Steve started to tell that I was fat, that I was lucky he was dating me. He would stop talking to me for days without warning. If I went out with another man, he'd call me a slut. He dated my best friend and made sure I knew about it. After two years of this I tried to break up with him. He cried and said he loved me. When I tried again he threw a glass against the wall and locked me in the house for hours. He would not let me leave until I agreed to stay with him."

There are so many myths. Spouse abuse is restricted to the poor and the lower class; a slap never hurt anyone; alcohol and drug abuse cause the violence; women provoke the men who hit them - they deserve what they get.

All of these myths are untrue. All of them add to the walls of fear and shame in our society that prevent victims from getting the help and support they need.

Tonight I challenge us all to see the power in words. To combat the destructive power of words with the creative power of words. That creative power we saw in our Torah portion. With words, God created the entire universe. With words we can re-create the world we live in, the world we hope to live in. How?

First by creating a community in which victims are believed and abusers are not tolerated. We can use words to speak out publicly against domestic violence. We can reach out to support someone whom we believe is a victim of domestic violence and/or talk with a person we believe is being abusive. We can call the police if we see or hear evidence of domestic violence.

Second we can use words to combat domestic violence by educating ourselves about what abuse really is. We can read the literature put out by advocacy groups, we can talk to members of our community who deal with this issue in their therapy practices and shelters and hotlines they work for. We can learn the warning signs so that we recognize them in ourselves and in those we care about.

Third we can speak about the abuse that happens in our very own community. Dirty little secrets eat away at a person and a community. We can talk publicly about abuse when it happens, even though we are ashamed that it happens in our community, even though it is painful and even sickening to hear the details of people's capacity for cruelty, even though it means letting go of our most treasured myths. By airing the dirty laundry, we take away some of its power. If abusers knew for certain that their victims would be believed, they would lose the power of the dirty little secret. If victims knew their stories would be heard, they could perhaps find the courage to change their situations before the violence destroyed them.

Where there is hatred may we bring words of love

Where there is pain may speaking out bring healing

Where there is darkness may we shed light on the secrets

Where there is despair may our words bring hope

Where there is discord may our speech create harmony

Where there is strife may our community be a place of peace

God, Make this a better world and begin with us.

(adapted from R' Sidney Greenberg Words to Live By)

Cain y'hi ratzon, may it be God's will.

Sources for this sermon include:

"When Love is Not Enough: Spousal Abuse in Rabbinic and Contemporary Judaism" by Rabbi Julie Ringold Spitzer

"Resource Guide for Rabbis: On Domestic Violence" by Jewish Women International

Advocates for Abused and Battered Lesbians. Website - http://www.isomedia.com/homes/AABL/